Pretty much all you can say after today. I know it's been a while since either of us posted anything here, so here's a Cliffs Notes version of where we've been over the last month or so: we decided to start IVF this month, which meant two weeks' worth of medicine for Laura - injections, medicine mixing, you name it; it would have made a pharmacist blush - and we scheduled an egg retrieval for this morning.
At which point a problem appeared: there were no eggs to retrieve.
This, in the words of our doctor while Laura was still recovering from anesthesia and had no clue where in the world she was, isn't good.
One of the medicines Laura was taking is supposed to suppress ovulation. Basically, each egg grows in its own follicle, and when it matures the follicle ruptures and the egg(s) start making their way down the fallopian tubes. For IVF, you have to beat the clock, because the procedure involves pipetting out the stuff inside the follicle and retrieving the egg in the process. After ovulation, it's impossible to retrieve the egg - and the medicine wasn't strong enough to keep ovulation from occurring.
The doctor said that this happens about once a year. Lucky us. That'll be $Texas, please.
So we'll regroup and try again at some point. The timing is totally up to us, but will need to wait for a menstrual cycle to complete, so no earlier than early January or so. And this time, they'll change up the medication to the extra-strength model, which will hopefully do the trick.
Going through this today reminded me of how important it is to have two partners walking hand in hand on this journey. This morning, I was a wreck. I mean, doing everything I could to just keep from breaking down and bawling with the doctor in the room. It's really the first time in this whole process where I've come close to losing it. But Laura, bless her, was generally OK - broken up and upset, yeah, but strong enough to prop me up.
Yes, the roles have been reversed at times. I've had to be the stiff-upper-lip type more than a couple times during this whole process when she was really upset. Today, it was her turn.
You never know when you're going to need a shoulder to lean on. But without question, you'll need one at some point. Having that around makes all the difference in the world, and today it made what could have been a super crappy day only a sorta crappy one.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
The Party Bus (Or: ICSI Is Not The Number That Identifies A Commercial)
(Warning: this post talks about rather graphic stuff. It's way easier to just type it out rather than dance around it in endless euphemisms, so if you don't want to hear rather frank discussions of what happens in fertility treatments, you might want to go elsewhere. But then again, if that's the case, why are you reading this blog?)
So, we did our first IUI treatment a couple of weeks ago on a really damp and gloomy Friday morning. Suffice it to say that the weather should have served as our first clue on how the day was going to go.
In a nutshell: not well. My washed sperm count was 500,000; for the highest probability of success, it needs to be above 1 million. Not surprisingly, it didn't work.
Back up a second. What's a "washed sperm count"? In order to inject the sperm into a uterus, they have to remove the sperm from the, ahem, produced specimen. (In blunt terms: the semen in the collection cup.) Otherwise, the uterus will reject the semen, since it's never supposed to get in there; the cervix usually handles that job, but since IUI bypasses the cervix, the sperm need to be removed from the semen before they're injected. Sperm washing is the process by which that happens: basically a big centrifuge separates the components, then an embryologist isolates the best-performing sperm and prepares those for injection. The sperm count after that preparation is the washed sperm count.
(Total aside here, but worth mentioning simply for comic relief: fertility clinics are likely the only doctor's offices with subscriptions to porn-on-demand services. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, and there is serious business to be attended to, right?)
So, my washed sperm count was too low, and it seems like it probably won't get any better. My total count was 13 million per mL, which isn't too far below normal but hasn't moved much since the last time it was checked, in July. In other words, they've corrected about as much as they can, and where I am now is probably where I'll stay, with some minor variance.
So we'll probably move onto plan B (C? D? I've lost track), which is something called IVF with ICSI. You probably know what IVF is, but ICSI is something new-ish (last 10-15 years or so) that corrects for the problem I have. Most IVF is focused toward female infertility: PCOS, irregular cycle lengths, that sort of thing. Until ICSI (which stands for intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection; you'll understand in a second) came along, guys with non-swimming sperm pretty much had no option other than crossing your fingers and hoping it works.
ICSI replicates the process of the sperm fertilizing the egg, courtesy of a microscopic pipette that takes one sperm and sticks it into the egg, which in theory should get the ball rolling. It corrects for sperm that can't find their way around the female reproductive tract, and it is also a godsend for low sperm counts; you only need as many individual sperm as you have eggs, so instead of needing a million you might need five or six.
Even in my low samples, they can find six sperm that could fertilize an egg.
Unsurprisingly, the success rate for ICSI is astronomical: our doctor told us that it usually is around 60% effective. In fertility, 60% is as close to a sure thing as you're ever going to see. The only complications are if they can't find any perfect sperm (that could cause trouble for fertilizing the egg and getting the embryo development process going) and whether or not the egg implants. Considering traditional IVF usually has a 35-40% success rate - and likely lower for us given our situation - this is a very good thing.
And in the meantime, ultrasound pictures and pregnancy announcements continue to pop up on Facebook about as much as political posts and lolcats. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
At this point I kind of feel like I'm standing at a bus stop where three or four routes make stops. I'm waiting for one route, which hasn't come yet, and meanwhile 30 buses have stopped for the other routes and picked up the other folks waiting. After a while you get really tired of waiting, but what else can you do?
The one thing that I'm sure of: when our bus does show up, there's going to be one hell of a party on it.
(In regards to the title: every commercial on TV and radio has something called an ISCI - Industry-Standard Commercial Identifier - code assigned to it; it's almost like a barcode to identify the commercial and make sure the correct one is running. I just thought it was interesting that the acronyms are so close, even though they have absolutely nothing to do with one another.)
So, we did our first IUI treatment a couple of weeks ago on a really damp and gloomy Friday morning. Suffice it to say that the weather should have served as our first clue on how the day was going to go.
In a nutshell: not well. My washed sperm count was 500,000; for the highest probability of success, it needs to be above 1 million. Not surprisingly, it didn't work.
Back up a second. What's a "washed sperm count"? In order to inject the sperm into a uterus, they have to remove the sperm from the, ahem, produced specimen. (In blunt terms: the semen in the collection cup.) Otherwise, the uterus will reject the semen, since it's never supposed to get in there; the cervix usually handles that job, but since IUI bypasses the cervix, the sperm need to be removed from the semen before they're injected. Sperm washing is the process by which that happens: basically a big centrifuge separates the components, then an embryologist isolates the best-performing sperm and prepares those for injection. The sperm count after that preparation is the washed sperm count.
(Total aside here, but worth mentioning simply for comic relief: fertility clinics are likely the only doctor's offices with subscriptions to porn-on-demand services. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, and there is serious business to be attended to, right?)
So, my washed sperm count was too low, and it seems like it probably won't get any better. My total count was 13 million per mL, which isn't too far below normal but hasn't moved much since the last time it was checked, in July. In other words, they've corrected about as much as they can, and where I am now is probably where I'll stay, with some minor variance.
So we'll probably move onto plan B (C? D? I've lost track), which is something called IVF with ICSI. You probably know what IVF is, but ICSI is something new-ish (last 10-15 years or so) that corrects for the problem I have. Most IVF is focused toward female infertility: PCOS, irregular cycle lengths, that sort of thing. Until ICSI (which stands for intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection; you'll understand in a second) came along, guys with non-swimming sperm pretty much had no option other than crossing your fingers and hoping it works.
ICSI replicates the process of the sperm fertilizing the egg, courtesy of a microscopic pipette that takes one sperm and sticks it into the egg, which in theory should get the ball rolling. It corrects for sperm that can't find their way around the female reproductive tract, and it is also a godsend for low sperm counts; you only need as many individual sperm as you have eggs, so instead of needing a million you might need five or six.
Even in my low samples, they can find six sperm that could fertilize an egg.
Unsurprisingly, the success rate for ICSI is astronomical: our doctor told us that it usually is around 60% effective. In fertility, 60% is as close to a sure thing as you're ever going to see. The only complications are if they can't find any perfect sperm (that could cause trouble for fertilizing the egg and getting the embryo development process going) and whether or not the egg implants. Considering traditional IVF usually has a 35-40% success rate - and likely lower for us given our situation - this is a very good thing.
And in the meantime, ultrasound pictures and pregnancy announcements continue to pop up on Facebook about as much as political posts and lolcats. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
At this point I kind of feel like I'm standing at a bus stop where three or four routes make stops. I'm waiting for one route, which hasn't come yet, and meanwhile 30 buses have stopped for the other routes and picked up the other folks waiting. After a while you get really tired of waiting, but what else can you do?
The one thing that I'm sure of: when our bus does show up, there's going to be one hell of a party on it.
(In regards to the title: every commercial on TV and radio has something called an ISCI - Industry-Standard Commercial Identifier - code assigned to it; it's almost like a barcode to identify the commercial and make sure the correct one is running. I just thought it was interesting that the acronyms are so close, even though they have absolutely nothing to do with one another.)
Monday, October 15, 2012
Book Review: Hannah's Hope
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, which is a day of remembrance for pregnancy loss and infant loss. For those of you who have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death, I am thinking of you today.
***
Fairly quickly after we were faced with the possibility of infertility, I reached out to an acquaintance who I knew had also dealt with it. She had kept a blog and posted on Facebook and sent me a ton of information in an e-mail. I still refer back to it from time to time. One book that she suggested that was helpful to her was Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake. After Brian and I went back and forth many times on various decisions (including visiting an information session by Wake County on adoption and foster care), I decided to look into this book to see if it was something that I would be interested in. There was a Kindle version, so I purchased it for about $9 and started reading. I would read it pretty closely for several nights and then put it down for a few weeks. I finally came back to it a few weeks before my birthday when I realized that I was not coping well and needed better solutions.
The author has dealt with countless reproductive issues (medical infertility, lost adoptions, and miscarriages). She now has two living children. I really enjoyed most of the book and found it very helpful as a way to know that what I was feeling (anger, bitterness, sadness) was normal, even if it wasn't healthy. The book uses the story of Hannah, who was barren, in I Samuel 1-2 as its narrative guide and has 16 different chapters, including discussion on "Envy, Jealousy, and Rivalry", "Is God Punishing Me?", How Long Does It Hurt?", and "Bitterness of Soul." Each chapter starts out with a "brief fictionalized look at a portion of Hannah's story" that uses the historical context of Hannah's time period with the the author's own experience with barrenness. At first I thought I would find that approach too hokey, but I grew to like it and it really helped me identify with Hannah. There are also short sections at the end of each chapter for "Burden Bearers" that help explain why people facing these crises act like they do.
Clearly, this book is completely based in the Bible (Bible passages appear on most, if not all, pages), so if you're not coming to infertility from a Christian perspective, this is probably not your book. Though, it still might be worth a look. There is good stuff here.
What I Liked
What I Didn't Like
***
The author has dealt with countless reproductive issues (medical infertility, lost adoptions, and miscarriages). She now has two living children. I really enjoyed most of the book and found it very helpful as a way to know that what I was feeling (anger, bitterness, sadness) was normal, even if it wasn't healthy. The book uses the story of Hannah, who was barren, in I Samuel 1-2 as its narrative guide and has 16 different chapters, including discussion on "Envy, Jealousy, and Rivalry", "Is God Punishing Me?", How Long Does It Hurt?", and "Bitterness of Soul." Each chapter starts out with a "brief fictionalized look at a portion of Hannah's story" that uses the historical context of Hannah's time period with the the author's own experience with barrenness. At first I thought I would find that approach too hokey, but I grew to like it and it really helped me identify with Hannah. There are also short sections at the end of each chapter for "Burden Bearers" that help explain why people facing these crises act like they do.
Clearly, this book is completely based in the Bible (Bible passages appear on most, if not all, pages), so if you're not coming to infertility from a Christian perspective, this is probably not your book. Though, it still might be worth a look. There is good stuff here.
What I Liked
- The author has experience. She's dealt with a lot of stuff and has experienced about everything you can imagine with this subject. She knows what she's talking about.
- The advice for "burden bearers" was spot on. I know it's not easy to interact with someone dealing with infertility because one day (or minute!) the person can be fine and the next emotional or withdrawn.
- The Bible passages cited were comforting and reassuring. It was nice to realize that what I was feeling had been felt by many, many other women.
- This subject needs to be talked about and discussed. Too often couples suffer in silence or friends and family ignore the situation because they don't know what to say.
- The author is very clear on her beliefs and limits, but she does not come across as preachy or judgmental.
- Nearly all facets of how infertility affects your life are discussed.
What I Didn't Like
- I'm not a woman who has always wanted to be a mother. A lot of the support for women's infertility comes from that perspective. At times, this book gets close to that point. Stuff such as Since I was 3 years old, playing with my dolls, I knew I was born to be a mother. When I was 3, I wanted to be a waitress and then a banker and then a teacher and then an astronaut. I pretty much assumed I would be a mother some day, but I certainly didn't think about it all the time.
- In some places the author is too conservative for my liking; there are some discussions of "serving your husband." Although the author did talk about how that respect should go both ways, in her relationship, she sees her husband as the leader who makes the final decision. Brian and I are pretty darn equal in terms of who is "in charge" so that argument didn't resonate with me.
- There was a brief discussion on how infertility could create marital infidelity (through a physical affair or turning to pornography) that was so ridiculous that all I could think about was one of those "I'm Addicted to Pornography" shows that appear on A&E or whatever network. It came across as women are so weak.
All-in-all, I thought this was a very good book. It helped me keep my emotions in check and attempt to understand how I was feeling. Many of the Bible verses were very comforting to me and it has helped me create strategies to cope.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Where Do We Go From Here?
As I sit here on the last day of my 29th year, I'd love to say that this was a great year. But, it wasn't.
It was an OK year, but definitely not a great year.
There were several wonderful moments:
Admittedly, I am not in a good place right now. I've had a lot more bad days than good days lately and I think I realized that I was pretty close to rock bottom when I just started crying uncontrollably at church on Sunday for no apparent reason. Thankfully we were in the back and I could sneak out pretty easily.
I've had a lot of diagnostic procedures done lately and everything checked out OK. I am very excited about our medical plan, but it is nerve-wracking. There are so many unknowns.
So, where do we go from here?
Since Sunday, I've started making a conscious effort to deal with stress as healthily as possible:
And, I'm hoping and praying that I can carry that positive energy into the next decade and leave the negativity behind.
It was an OK year, but definitely not a great year.
There were several wonderful moments:
- Discovering yoga and the wonderful people in my class
- Completing my 2nd half marathon and 2nd marathon (and enjoying the training cycle!)
- Facing my fears in the Warrior Dash
- Completing my first duathlon
- KPRD kickball championship
- A cruise to the Caribbean with my family over Christmas
- A great road trip vacation with Brian to Canada (poutine!)
- A wonderful weekend in the mountains with Brian's family
- Horrible, recurring colds for both of us all winter (including 4 bouts of pink eye and a staph infection in my eye)
- An infertility diagnosis that left us with many questions and still no answers
- Serious, life-altering sicknesses of family members
- An emotional goodbye when my grandmother's house was sold in Hickory, which opened up lots of untapped grieving
Admittedly, I am not in a good place right now. I've had a lot more bad days than good days lately and I think I realized that I was pretty close to rock bottom when I just started crying uncontrollably at church on Sunday for no apparent reason. Thankfully we were in the back and I could sneak out pretty easily.
I've had a lot of diagnostic procedures done lately and everything checked out OK. I am very excited about our medical plan, but it is nerve-wracking. There are so many unknowns.
So, where do we go from here?
Since Sunday, I've started making a conscious effort to deal with stress as healthily as possible:
- I'm keeping a food log.
- I'm trying to get some exercise, even if it isn't hardcore running or cycling. I go to yoga twice a week and on other nights, I'm trying to just walk or have some type of activity.
- If I don't feel like being active, I take a hot bath to decompress.
- I vent to my mom, dad, and Brian.
- I'm finishing the Christian-based infertility book that was recommended to me, Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage and Adoption Loss, and I've ordered a Bible Study on dealing with infertility.
- I'm saying no and pulling back from having too much to do. Quite honestly, most often I just want to spend time with Brian, other family members, and our sweet animals. Because I'm introverted, that quiet time is where I get my energy and that's what I need right now.
So, tomorrow, on my 30th birthday, I have a plan. I'm going to wake up and do 30 sun salutations at sunrise (7:10 a.m.). I'm going to go on a bike ride (maybe 30 miles if I feel up to it, maybe fewer). I'm going to listen to my husband's radio shift, where he's playing several of my favorite pieces (including Appalachian Spring). I'm going to read a little and maybe watch some TV. I'm trying a new recipe for chicken tetrazzini for dinner. I'm going to enjoy the day, be thankful for all the blessings in my life, and take care of me.
And, I'm hoping and praying that I can carry that positive energy into the next decade and leave the negativity behind.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Always Pick the Fertility Doctor Named After Your Cat*
* Unless you named your cat Kevorkian.
One thing that was very important to us was that the doctor was easy to talk to and that the clinic seemed rooted in medicine, not emotions.
I am immediately turned off by clinics that try to appeal to women's emotions with becoming pregnant. For example, there is a local clinic that actually airs radio commercials that start off with a baby crying and say stuff like
 |
| Wrong Choice |
 |
| Right Choice |
When it came time to pick a fertility clinic and a doctor, Brian and I had a tough time getting recommendations from our family doctor and Brian's endocrinologist. We had a recommendation from one friend, but that was pretty much it.
One thing that was very important to us was that the doctor was easy to talk to and that the clinic seemed rooted in medicine, not emotions.
I am immediately turned off by clinics that try to appeal to women's emotions with becoming pregnant. For example, there is a local clinic that actually airs radio commercials that start off with a baby crying and say stuff like
To most women, that's just the sound of a baby crying. But to YOU that's the only sound you want to hear. The sound of your baby crying. All you can think of...all you've ever dreamed about...is holding your beautiful baby.Give. Me. A. Freaking. Break.
- That's not how I roll.
- I very much want to be a mother, but it does not define me. I have plenty of my own goals independent of having children.
- Are there actually women who think like this?
So, I told Brian that I would not have a doctor or a clinic that preys on emotions like that. The whole process is already emotional and stressful enough; the last thing we need is some doctor trying to complicate the situation to make more money.
We are very fortunate to live in an area that has several clinics and two major medical university hospitals. We looked through reviews of the two hospitals and found that one had better reviews and success rates than the other. As we continued to look, we found a new clinic had recently opened up that had two double-board-certified doctors from the university hospital that we really liked. As we read through their profiles, we really liked them both and one of them had the same last name as our cat, Copland. She also is an accomplished cellist, which appeals to Brian's classical music roots. Certainly divine intervention!
Brian called and spoke to the patient care coordinator who was incredibly friendly and welcoming and set up an initial consultation. (We also verified that the office was in-network for our insurance!)
Dr. Copland was very easy for us to talk to, answered questions directly, and based all her answers in medicine. She also made it very clear that every decision is elective and OUR decision.
So, to reiterate:
|
| Copland-kitty approves of Copland-doctor |
***
Brian and I also really want to thank everyone for the incredible outpouring of support we got for making our journey public. We really can't thank you all enough.
I knew we had made the right decision on Saturday night. It was an emotional day and I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and exhausted by everything that's happening this week. A friend sent me a hilarious video to have on hand to watch whenever I'm feeling stressed out/annoyed. There's no way she could have known that I was having a rough day, but she completely made it way better! :-)
Friday, September 14, 2012
So, why put this stuff on a blog, anyway?
Yes, it's probably improper (in the Emily Post fashion) to write about things as personal as trying to have a baby. That needs to change.
Infertility has been going on for a long time, way longer than Laura and I have even known each other. And it's one of those things that I think everyone knows someone who has dealt with, but it has to be left unspoken.
Oh, you can't (easily) have kids? That's a real shame. Let us never speak of this again. Boy, that football game last night was crazy!
I'm a firm believer in everyone having their "thing." I'm not going to go so far as to say that God gave us infertility problems to make other people aware of the issue, but I do think that two things are true: one, that we have a responsibility to de-stigmatize (at least as best we can) infertility, and two, to spread the word that the best way to deal with it, as we've learned, is to be completely open about it.
No, I don't think that we're going to have millions of people lined up to run a 5K for infertility awareness or drive around town with half-blue/half-pink ribbons stuck on the back of our cars. Hey, if someone wants to start the Susan G. Komen Foundation For The Cure Of Infertility, sign me up - but that's not where the change is going to come from.
It's going to come from stuff like this blog, from knowing people who go through it and who want others to know what's happening. Not for sympathy, or for selfish reasons, but simply to get the word out that this does happen, and it's high time that we get out of this 1950s mindset that there's something wrong with you when you don't fit the mold.
Well, yes, there is something wrong (thank you for noticing), but that's not the point.
So, yeah, this blog will probably have too much stuff in it than you feel comfortable knowing, but I'd rather put too much information out there than not enough. Not enough information leads to suffering in silence. Too much leads to support and understanding from others.
Give me the latter any day.
Infertility has been going on for a long time, way longer than Laura and I have even known each other. And it's one of those things that I think everyone knows someone who has dealt with, but it has to be left unspoken.
Oh, you can't (easily) have kids? That's a real shame. Let us never speak of this again. Boy, that football game last night was crazy!
I'm a firm believer in everyone having their "thing." I'm not going to go so far as to say that God gave us infertility problems to make other people aware of the issue, but I do think that two things are true: one, that we have a responsibility to de-stigmatize (at least as best we can) infertility, and two, to spread the word that the best way to deal with it, as we've learned, is to be completely open about it.
No, I don't think that we're going to have millions of people lined up to run a 5K for infertility awareness or drive around town with half-blue/half-pink ribbons stuck on the back of our cars. Hey, if someone wants to start the Susan G. Komen Foundation For The Cure Of Infertility, sign me up - but that's not where the change is going to come from.
It's going to come from stuff like this blog, from knowing people who go through it and who want others to know what's happening. Not for sympathy, or for selfish reasons, but simply to get the word out that this does happen, and it's high time that we get out of this 1950s mindset that there's something wrong with you when you don't fit the mold.
Well, yes, there is something wrong (thank you for noticing), but that's not the point.
So, yeah, this blog will probably have too much stuff in it than you feel comfortable knowing, but I'd rather put too much information out there than not enough. Not enough information leads to suffering in silence. Too much leads to support and understanding from others.
Give me the latter any day.
And so it *really* begins [for L]
Next week is a milestone week in fertility treatment around these parts. It will be the second and third diagnostic procedures that I have.
Although B has had many tests and doctor's appointments, I haven't had too many yet. (Though, it is funny that now we're seeing a reproductive medicine specialist that I'm considered the primary patient. I guess it's that whole bearing a child part.)
Last week I had some blood drawn that will be tested to determine my progesterone and prolactin levels, both of which are very important hormones in the fertility process.
On Wednesday morning, we have an appointment with our doctor who will do an ultrasound to check everything out and make sure my uterine anatomy is OK. Afterward, we'll meet with her to review the blood work and set up a treatment schedule/review options.
On Friday afternoon, I have an appointment at a radiology clinic for an HSG test, which is a diagnostic procedure on the fallopian tubes. I've read online and heard from several other people that sometimes this test is very uncomfortable/borderline painful. BUT, everyone is different, and I've been told by doctors that I have a high pain threshold, so I'm hopeful it won't be a big deal for me. Regardless, B is going with me so that I don't have to drive home.
Because various tests have to be done at various stages of my cycle, the HSG test has to be done after the meeting with the doctor. The doctor mentioned at our preliminary meeting that we would begin creating a treatment plan at the ultrasound appointment, so I'm curious how the HSG test and its results will fit into everything.
If we could start a treatment cycle in October, we'd be ecstatic. It seems like we're always on some version of a two-week wait!
Prayers and kind thoughts are always appreciated.
***
I should also mention that B's test results from his last analysis were very good. They're not normal, but much closer than the first test and our doctor said that they were definitely good enough to make IUI an option.
Although B has had many tests and doctor's appointments, I haven't had too many yet. (Though, it is funny that now we're seeing a reproductive medicine specialist that I'm considered the primary patient. I guess it's that whole bearing a child part.)
Last week I had some blood drawn that will be tested to determine my progesterone and prolactin levels, both of which are very important hormones in the fertility process.
On Wednesday morning, we have an appointment with our doctor who will do an ultrasound to check everything out and make sure my uterine anatomy is OK. Afterward, we'll meet with her to review the blood work and set up a treatment schedule/review options.
On Friday afternoon, I have an appointment at a radiology clinic for an HSG test, which is a diagnostic procedure on the fallopian tubes. I've read online and heard from several other people that sometimes this test is very uncomfortable/borderline painful. BUT, everyone is different, and I've been told by doctors that I have a high pain threshold, so I'm hopeful it won't be a big deal for me. Regardless, B is going with me so that I don't have to drive home.
Because various tests have to be done at various stages of my cycle, the HSG test has to be done after the meeting with the doctor. The doctor mentioned at our preliminary meeting that we would begin creating a treatment plan at the ultrasound appointment, so I'm curious how the HSG test and its results will fit into everything.
If we could start a treatment cycle in October, we'd be ecstatic. It seems like we're always on some version of a two-week wait!
Prayers and kind thoughts are always appreciated.
***
I should also mention that B's test results from his last analysis were very good. They're not normal, but much closer than the first test and our doctor said that they were definitely good enough to make IUI an option.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Choices, Aggravations and Dents In The Wall
I think the hardest part of this whole process has been the reactions I have when I find out other people are having kids. Even if I don't know them well (Facebook friends or what have you), it's still a punch in the gut, and when it's someone I do know well it's that much more difficult to take.
That's why it's noteworthy that I found out today that a couple friends of mine are expecting their third child, and I didn't immediately feel jealousy, anger, frustration and all those familiar emotions that have been showing up almost on a schedule for the last year and a half.
We've spent a lot of time talking about our options, whether we wanted to just remain childless and enjoy our lives without kids (spoiler alert: no thanks, although the allure of taking vacations whenever and wherever we want sure is appealing), adoption, surrogacy, you name it. At times the decisions can seem overwhelming - one minute you're all but picking up the phone and calling a doctor, the next you put the phone down and get questions ready for an adoption agency, and then you find out that someone else is having a baby and you're just sitting there thinking "for heaven's sake, make it stop!!"
So, what to do? Everyone who knows the situation will offer their own advice, but at the end of the day the reason I didn't feel upset at all earlier today is a simple one: we finally made a decision on what we wanted to do, we followed through on it, and for the first time in what seems like forever, there's hope at the end of the road.
Everything you read says that you shouldn't delay in getting help conceiving if you decide that's what you want to do. Much as we might want it to, time doesn't wait for anyone to get pregnant, and the odds only get higher with age. That's not to say that anyone should go running to a fertility clinic after a month of trying to conceive, but intuition is a powerful thing. We knew that something was wrong, and we started from there.
In my case, stupid as this sounds, I couldn't grow a beard. You know those people who can grow a five o'clock shadow by about 11:30 in the morning? I'm whatever the opposite of that is. I knew that wasn't normal, and it was always in the back of my head that there was probably a hormonal imbalance, but it wasn't until my doctor ran some tests to confirm that the puzzle started to fit together: without testosterone, it's tough to grow a beard, and it's also tough to produce sperm, which is a slightly important step in having children.
So I finally got on medication to help boost the testosterone, which worked about as well as anyone could have hoped, and......nothing. Still no babies. Still everyone I know getting pregnant every time someone sneezed.
If you know of a wall, chances are I had banged my head against it more than a few times.
But then we finally made up our mind, wading through the seemingly endless menu of choices, that we were going to go to a fertility specialist (more on this later). That was going to be our plan, darn it. We were going to do everything we could to have a baby, and whether that came naturally or with help, we were committed to it.
Making that decision took the weight of the world off my shoulders. Finally, we have a road map that gets us to where we want to go. It's still no guarantee - in reproduction, very little is - but we're more confident than we ever have been that it really is only a matter of time, one way or another.
The moral of the story? Decide what you're going to do, and follow through on it. Don't let yourself become paralyzed by analysis. The longer you wait, the more that knife in your stomach will turn every time someone tells you they're pregnant. It's not worth waiting - as soon as you're confident in your decision, run with it, and stick to it.
Maybe then you can fix all the dents in that wall.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
And now we wait...
B had a doctor's visit this morning and we're waiting for the results. We're hopeful (but cautious!) that the numbers will have improved. After we get the results, we're planning to set an appointment with a fertility clinic.
Waiting isn't easy. I keep thinking through how I'll react to various scenarios. I want to pretend that if it's not great news, that I'll be OK, but I doubt it. I'm sure I'll be a mess and hate everyone. Ugh.
If it's great news, then it was be really exciting, but also make us wonder what steps we need to take...
So, not much to say. We have no idea when the doctor will call with the results. Hopefully we won't have to wait too long.
Waiting isn't easy. I keep thinking through how I'll react to various scenarios. I want to pretend that if it's not great news, that I'll be OK, but I doubt it. I'm sure I'll be a mess and hate everyone. Ugh.
If it's great news, then it was be really exciting, but also make us wonder what steps we need to take...
So, not much to say. We have no idea when the doctor will call with the results. Hopefully we won't have to wait too long.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Doctor's Report
Last week, B went back to his endocrinologist. The report was quite positive. His testosterone numbers are all within the normal ranges and have remained stable since his last check in the spring. The doctor was really pleased with the progress. He also ordered another sperm analysis and the doctor printed out the results from the one done in February. The numbers in February really weren't great at all. They are all quite low, which we knew but it's always tough to see it on paper.
The new analysis will be done in the next few weeks and the hope (and prayers!) is that the normal testosterone levels will kick start sperm production. I'm not really expecting a miracle (but I'd certainly take it). After we get the results for the next analysis (fortunately, the doctor will call with those and B doesn't have to back for an appointment), then we are expecting to set up an appointment with a fertility clinic.
We are so fortunate to live in an amazing location with AT LEAST 3 fertility clinics (that's what I've found so far!) and one of them appears to be one of the best in the world:
One of my goals for August is to talk with our insurance company about our coverage and get an appointment set up. I know we have lifetime coverage limits of $25,000 for each of us, but I really want to understand what all that means because reproductive technologies are so expensive. Based on numbers thrown around on the Internet, it seems like we could blow through those amounts in a 3-4 cycles of treatment. But, of course, everyone's insurance is completely different. The good news is that with all the endocrinologist appointments and lab work, we've already hit our deductible for the year, so we're only paying 20 percent of any services/prescriptions until December 31.
Personally, I'd really like for us to be able to go with IUI because it's *slightly* more natural (OK, not really, but it seems like it), but if that's not possible, we certainly don't want to spend a ton of money something with a lot lower chances.
I know that the clinics will push us to go with IVF because they make a lot of money off that procedure, so it will be really interesting to see what they say. I fully plan to arrive with a notebook and a ton of questions! (My mom keeps joking that we're probably going to end up with triplets.)
The new analysis will be done in the next few weeks and the hope (and prayers!) is that the normal testosterone levels will kick start sperm production. I'm not really expecting a miracle (but I'd certainly take it). After we get the results for the next analysis (fortunately, the doctor will call with those and B doesn't have to back for an appointment), then we are expecting to set up an appointment with a fertility clinic.
We are so fortunate to live in an amazing location with AT LEAST 3 fertility clinics (that's what I've found so far!) and one of them appears to be one of the best in the world:
Our IVF (InVitro Fertilization) Program is host to four board-certified reproductive endocrinologist and infertility specialists (of which there are less than 1,000 nationwide), highly experienced embryologists and laboratory support staff, specially trained nurses, and the most advanced technology available.I also read that the head of that program writes THE textbook on IVF, so I'm really hoping that we can set up an appointment with (and afford!) them.
One of my goals for August is to talk with our insurance company about our coverage and get an appointment set up. I know we have lifetime coverage limits of $25,000 for each of us, but I really want to understand what all that means because reproductive technologies are so expensive. Based on numbers thrown around on the Internet, it seems like we could blow through those amounts in a 3-4 cycles of treatment. But, of course, everyone's insurance is completely different. The good news is that with all the endocrinologist appointments and lab work, we've already hit our deductible for the year, so we're only paying 20 percent of any services/prescriptions until December 31.
Personally, I'd really like for us to be able to go with IUI because it's *slightly* more natural (OK, not really, but it seems like it), but if that's not possible, we certainly don't want to spend a ton of money something with a lot lower chances.
I know that the clinics will push us to go with IVF because they make a lot of money off that procedure, so it will be really interesting to see what they say. I fully plan to arrive with a notebook and a ton of questions! (My mom keeps joking that we're probably going to end up with triplets.)
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Friends and Family
One of the most helpful things to us is the amazing support we receive from our friends and family. From our church family praying, our parents offering support that goes well beyond anything we could ask, and our friends, we are truly blessed.
I've really noticed this as one of our closest friends recently told us that they are having a baby. We are (really, truly!) so excited for them! The thing that's meant the most to us is that this couple has gone well out of their way to be so respectful of our emotions and feelings. They announced the news to us privately in a way that gave us privacy to work through our emotions and even went so far as to tell us beforehand when they were going to announce their news to the world via social media. Being prepared for that announcement was so helpful.
They have gone well out of their way to be sensitive and that means so much. We know that it is a sacrifice for them to think of us during their time of incredible excitement. But, because they did, it makes us even more excited for them.
I can't wait for our future children to have them (and their future children!) in their lives because they have set such a wonderful example of friendship, kindness, and compassion.
I've really noticed this as one of our closest friends recently told us that they are having a baby. We are (really, truly!) so excited for them! The thing that's meant the most to us is that this couple has gone well out of their way to be so respectful of our emotions and feelings. They announced the news to us privately in a way that gave us privacy to work through our emotions and even went so far as to tell us beforehand when they were going to announce their news to the world via social media. Being prepared for that announcement was so helpful.
They have gone well out of their way to be sensitive and that means so much. We know that it is a sacrifice for them to think of us during their time of incredible excitement. But, because they did, it makes us even more excited for them.
I can't wait for our future children to have them (and their future children!) in their lives because they have set such a wonderful example of friendship, kindness, and compassion.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Frustration
I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge that some days are tougher than others. There's not always a rhyme or a reason why, but sometimes it's just hard. Occasionally, someone mentions something about their baby or you see something online and it sets off a floodgate of emotions.
Yesterday was one of those days. It was one of those days from the second my feet hit the ground when I got out of bed and it was one of those days when I cried most of the way to work. It sucked. I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day. B knew it was one of those days too. He sent me a really sweet e-mail and did his best to make me feel better. It's amazing to have that support.
I was proud of myself though. After my morning meltdown, most of the day at work went pretty normally and I was able to get everything done that I wanted to do after work (vote, mow, cook dinner, and go for a short run). I was really proud of myself of fitting in the run at 9 p.m. It made me feel a lot better.
You just do what you can to get through and know that tomorrow will be a new day.
Today was much better! Thank goodness. :-)
B's doctor didn't have any good recommendations for a reproductive endocrinologist at his appointment Monday, so B is going to ask his actual endocrinologist for a recommendation at his appointment next week. If that doctor doesn't have a recommendation, then we'll just pick one and go from there. We're lucky to live in an area with lots of choices.
Yesterday was one of those days. It was one of those days from the second my feet hit the ground when I got out of bed and it was one of those days when I cried most of the way to work. It sucked. I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day. B knew it was one of those days too. He sent me a really sweet e-mail and did his best to make me feel better. It's amazing to have that support.
I was proud of myself though. After my morning meltdown, most of the day at work went pretty normally and I was able to get everything done that I wanted to do after work (vote, mow, cook dinner, and go for a short run). I was really proud of myself of fitting in the run at 9 p.m. It made me feel a lot better.
You just do what you can to get through and know that tomorrow will be a new day.
Today was much better! Thank goodness. :-)
B's doctor didn't have any good recommendations for a reproductive endocrinologist at his appointment Monday, so B is going to ask his actual endocrinologist for a recommendation at his appointment next week. If that doctor doesn't have a recommendation, then we'll just pick one and go from there. We're lucky to live in an area with lots of choices.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Happy With Two
At our meeting with our pastor last Thursday, he really stressed that we focus on medical stuff when it's appropriate, but then when it's not necessary to think about infertility that we focus on being as happy as possible as a couple and really focus on loving each other. Of course, this is easier said than done when the worrying starts, but it's definitely something that we have been striving really hard to do.
On Friday after work, we took our bikes up to one of the local lakes and rode about 13 miles on the greenways there. The rest of this weekend we really focused on eliminating clutter and getting rid of some things we no longer need (an old TV, two DVD players, and 16+ bags of books). I was glad to see it all go. :-) Also, when we do have a child, we'll have to do some rearranging for a nursery and I'd like to have as little clutter to remove as possible. I think we're well on our way! Next weekend I'm planning to tackle a few of the kitchen cabinets that are unruly.
We're also each focusing on other things that we enjoy doing. B is getting back into bike riding (hence Friday's ride). He loves riding his bike, but really hates hills and heat, so it's always good when we can go to a trail that's mostly flat and very shady. I'm also starting to train for a half marathon that I'm going to run in November. I've run for several years, but I always end up in a bit of a funk after a major race (I completed the Shamrock Marathon in March). I'm ready to get started again and I'm really looking forward to having a dedicated training schedule. The time I spend running is always really good for me mentally. I always come home in a better place than when I started. I also do yoga 1-2 times each week, which is so important to me because it allows me to have some time when I'm not focusing on anything but my body and my breathing.
Our pastor told us that he doesn't believe it's God's plan that we do not have children, but that he doesn't necessarily know if it's God's plan that we do have children. :-) So, he stressed, it's really important that we live our lives right now to the fullest. He mentioned that he knows how much love we have in our relationship and he really encouraged us to focus on that because that is where all of the good things in our family will come from.
I also started reading the book Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, which was recommended to me by a friend who also dealt with infertility. It's really good so far and I think it will be really helpful. It parallels stories from Hannah in the Old Testament, who was barren, with the author's own personal stories (she struggled with infertility, had several miscarriages, and several failed adoptions). It provides ideas and suggestions to make the journey a bit more bearable.
On Friday after work, we took our bikes up to one of the local lakes and rode about 13 miles on the greenways there. The rest of this weekend we really focused on eliminating clutter and getting rid of some things we no longer need (an old TV, two DVD players, and 16+ bags of books). I was glad to see it all go. :-) Also, when we do have a child, we'll have to do some rearranging for a nursery and I'd like to have as little clutter to remove as possible. I think we're well on our way! Next weekend I'm planning to tackle a few of the kitchen cabinets that are unruly.
We're also each focusing on other things that we enjoy doing. B is getting back into bike riding (hence Friday's ride). He loves riding his bike, but really hates hills and heat, so it's always good when we can go to a trail that's mostly flat and very shady. I'm also starting to train for a half marathon that I'm going to run in November. I've run for several years, but I always end up in a bit of a funk after a major race (I completed the Shamrock Marathon in March). I'm ready to get started again and I'm really looking forward to having a dedicated training schedule. The time I spend running is always really good for me mentally. I always come home in a better place than when I started. I also do yoga 1-2 times each week, which is so important to me because it allows me to have some time when I'm not focusing on anything but my body and my breathing.
Our pastor told us that he doesn't believe it's God's plan that we do not have children, but that he doesn't necessarily know if it's God's plan that we do have children. :-) So, he stressed, it's really important that we live our lives right now to the fullest. He mentioned that he knows how much love we have in our relationship and he really encouraged us to focus on that because that is where all of the good things in our family will come from.
I also started reading the book Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, which was recommended to me by a friend who also dealt with infertility. It's really good so far and I think it will be really helpful. It parallels stories from Hannah in the Old Testament, who was barren, with the author's own personal stories (she struggled with infertility, had several miscarriages, and several failed adoptions). It provides ideas and suggestions to make the journey a bit more bearable.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Our Story
My husband and I are in our late twenties/early thirties. We have a very lovely house in a wonderful neighborhood in suburbia where we live with our sweet dog, Gatsby, and two cats, Copland and Mozart. At this point, these three "babies" are pretty much our world. It absolutely makes our day to come home from work and have them waiting for us with so much enthusiasm.
We've been married for a little over six years and decided in early 2011 that we really wanted to focus on having a family. We tried with no success for a year and then while my husband was at the doctor for a checkup in February 2012, we learned that he had low testosterone and a very low sperm count (it's important to note, though, that the sperm count isn't zero).
We were pretty crushed and spent several months waiting while my husband took medicine to improve his testosterone levels. There isn't medicine you can take to increase sperm count, but my husband's endocrinologist was hopeful that by increasing the testosterone, it would kickstart sperm production naturally. In April, he returned to the doctor and his testosterone had increased, but they did not do another semen analysis.
Later this week, he'll be returning to our general care provider and his endocrinologist to get more tests done and we're planning to ask our general care provider for a referral out to a fertility specialist.
So, at this point, we're still in a bit of a holding pattern, but both of us are confident that is about to change. We're excited to move forward and see what technology can do for us!
We are also incredibly blessed with an amazing support system. Both sets of parents are amazing and are supportive of what we're going though and the ups and downs. Our siblings are always there to lighten the mood and we have a wonderful group of friends—many of whom live in our neighborhood.
We also attend a Lutheran Church (ELCA) and have an amazing pastor and Bible Study that helps us see how God works through our trials. We have semi-regular meetings with our pastor and our faith helps guide our decisions. We expect that our faith will be especially important as we traverse the murky waters of reproductive technologies and their ethical implications.
So, we have no idea how this will turn out and I think we're slightly nervous to make our journey public, but we both feel strongly that infertility is wrongly stigmatized. (And we're tired of being asked why we don't have kids!)
We've been married for a little over six years and decided in early 2011 that we really wanted to focus on having a family. We tried with no success for a year and then while my husband was at the doctor for a checkup in February 2012, we learned that he had low testosterone and a very low sperm count (it's important to note, though, that the sperm count isn't zero).
We were pretty crushed and spent several months waiting while my husband took medicine to improve his testosterone levels. There isn't medicine you can take to increase sperm count, but my husband's endocrinologist was hopeful that by increasing the testosterone, it would kickstart sperm production naturally. In April, he returned to the doctor and his testosterone had increased, but they did not do another semen analysis.
Later this week, he'll be returning to our general care provider and his endocrinologist to get more tests done and we're planning to ask our general care provider for a referral out to a fertility specialist.
So, at this point, we're still in a bit of a holding pattern, but both of us are confident that is about to change. We're excited to move forward and see what technology can do for us!
We are also incredibly blessed with an amazing support system. Both sets of parents are amazing and are supportive of what we're going though and the ups and downs. Our siblings are always there to lighten the mood and we have a wonderful group of friends—many of whom live in our neighborhood.
We also attend a Lutheran Church (ELCA) and have an amazing pastor and Bible Study that helps us see how God works through our trials. We have semi-regular meetings with our pastor and our faith helps guide our decisions. We expect that our faith will be especially important as we traverse the murky waters of reproductive technologies and their ethical implications.
So, we have no idea how this will turn out and I think we're slightly nervous to make our journey public, but we both feel strongly that infertility is wrongly stigmatized. (And we're tired of being asked why we don't have kids!)
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