"Why Don't Y'all Just Adopt?"

Or, "Well, there's always adoption!"

For some reason, that question and statement seem to be said a lot when a couple explains that they are struggling with infertility. (For the record, if you say it to someone facing infertility on a particularly emotional day, you're likely to get knocked upside the head.)

Children who need a forever home is a major problem. It is an impossible problem. It is a gut-wrenching problem. And it is a problem for which all of society is responsible. 

Infertility is a medical condition. If you can be "cured," it requires medical treatment. 

In no other situation do we ask people who are sick to "fix" a societal problem.

Although it seems awfully convenient that people facing infertility are the perfect solution for these parentless-children, it isn't. In some situations it may be the perfect solution; in many others, it isn't.

The decision to stop pursuing the conception of biological children is an extremely emotional decision. It requires a grieving process and each couple has to come to that decision at its own pace. Once that grieving process has occurred, then it is possible to consider the possibility of adoption, which comes with its own challenges and opportunities.

So...why didn't we decide to adopt?

Well, we thought about it. A lot. In fact, last summer while we were waiting to see if a medicine was working we spent a lot of time looking into adoption. We first became aware of North Carolina's foster care system at our annual, statewide church assembly in June. At a session focused on how churches can support foster parents or those looking to adopt children out of the foster care system, we learned that there are not massive fees or monetary requirements to adopt a child who is a ward of the state. And we learned that if just one family from every church in North Carolina adopted one child approved for adoption from foster care that there would be no children available for adoption in North Carolina. What a wonderful thought!

We were incredibly intrigued. So we got the paperwork. We looked over it and over it. We signed up for an information session with Wake County (all foster care and adoption-from-foster-care in North Carolina is done at the county level). We went to the session. We found out that "our" child could still stay on Medicaid, we would receive a stipend from the state, and, most importantly, we would be able to give a child a home.

We looked at the website, where, yes, you can see children available for adoption. It's heart-wrenching. They say stuff like "I just want someone to love me." "I just don't want to be separated from my brother." "I just want my own room."

We prayed about it. We went on a road trip to Montreal and talked about it on the way up and the way back. We talked to friends. We talked about how we felt about adopting a child of another race. How would I learn to do a black female child's hair? I read a book about how to best assimilate an adopted child into a new home and how to deal with the unique challenges. Would we pass a home study? Do we have enough fire extinguishers? Would we want a sibling group?

There are so many questions and things to consider.

But there were two very nagging, major questions:

• Were we really ready to stop pursuit of a biological child?
• At age 30 and 31, could we start our parenting with an 8 year old child (the average age of a child in foster care)?

When it came down to it, we had enough doubts about our answers to those questions that we felt it was important to pursue assisted-reproductive technology. And we knew that if there was any doubt, that we shouldn't pursue adoption right then. When it's someone's life, you have to be sure.

So that's what led us to our reproductive endocrinologist.

However, we still feel very connected to the adoption process and we hope our life leads us to a point where we're able to pursue it.

At some point. When we're ready.

Baby? Baby!

So, when we last left off, Brian was excitingly telling you that we had 11 eggs retrieved. And then two months of silence. Because, well, it worked! We are having a baby in October!

So, let's see...

Our egg retrieval was on a Saturday morning (there are no weekends in IVF). And, not just any Saturday morning, but the Saturday morning after a lovely snow and ice storm on a Friday afternoon. We watched the weather for like a week in advance and were like "You've got to be kidding me." By late Friday morning, we realized that the roads were going to be pretty bad all afternoon and that they would freeze over into the night and present a problem for our 7 a.m. appointment that's about 30 minutes away. So, we got our stuff together, hopped in the CR-V, and drove across town in snow and ice to spend the night in the Hampton Inn that was right by our doctor's office (2 min. drive). This was absolutely the right decision because were able to relax the night before and got to sleep in. 

When we got there Saturday morning, the office was buzzing. There were at least 3 procedures that morning and tons of nurses and doctors. Brian and I were so grateful at the incredible care we received. All of these people were working on a Saturday morning and traversed incredibly slippery roads to get to the office. They were all so friendly! Our doctor even spent the night in the office the night before so that she didn't have to deal with the ice! If you know anyone who needs a fertility doctor recommendation in the Raleigh area, please, please get in touch with me.

The egg retrieval process requires that the egg donor (that's me!) be under anesthesia, so Brian and I had a lot of time to sit around and check Twitter while I got lots of IV fluids and anti-nausea medicine. When it was time to go, they wheeled me off to the procedure room, but this time it was a bit different. Because one of ovaries sits really high and behind my uterus, the doctor wanted to keep me awake for a bit while she checked my positioning to make sure she could reach all the follicles. At that point, I knew that I still had follicles (remember last month I had ovulated early and there were no follicles). And then the nurse turned up the anesthesia and the next thing I remember they were wheeling me back down the hall. In the middle of the hall I said "DID IT WORK?" and they said yes and that they had retrieved 11 eggs. I was so overcome with emotion. I couldn't believe we got through the retrieval and that they had that many eggs. The doctor had been thinking 8 eggs would be fantastic! Afterwards, I recovered for a bit and then we were able to leave. The roads were clear so we stopped at KFC and had takeout fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and slaw. It was soooo good.

And then we took a nap. :-)

In the middle of the afternoon, the doctor called to check on me and let us know that out of the 11 eggs retrieved 9 of them were mature and all 9 were injected with sperm.

The next morning we were at church when I realized I had missed a call from the doctor. I don't think I've ever not heard a word ever said at church like during those 20 minutes. Brian was serving as the assisting minister so he was sitting at the front of the church and I kept trying to get his attention. I kept mouthing DOCTOR-PHONE over and over and he was not getting it. Until, eventually he did and he was like GO TAKE THE CALL. I bet the people at church thought we were crazy. So as soon as it was time for the offering, I hopped up and ran out into the hall. And then I decided to go to the bathroom in case the doctor had bad news. So, I stood in the stall with my phone and listened to her message: 

"Hi Laura, it's Dr. Copland. I'm calling with good news. Actually, 100 percent good news. All 9 of your eggs have fertilized and are growing." 

I was so ecstatic and when I came out of the bathroom, Brian was pacing nervously, in his robe, in the narthex. We were so overjoyed (and texted our families as soon as church was over).

The next few days were a waiting game. At day 3, we heard that five of the fertilized eggs were growing right on target, three were a few days behind, and the last was another day behind. (This is pretty typical growth, which is why the more eggs they can harvest, the better the chances.) We scheduled our embryo transfer for day 5.

At our embryo transfer, we found out we had two "almost-perfect" blastocysts and a couple other embryos that were lagging a bit behind. The embryologist recommended that we transfer the two blastocysts to increase our chances of pregnancy (and, of course, multiples)! Brian and I asked them to step out for a bit and we talked it over for about 2-3 minutes. We decided to go ahead and transfer both blastocysts. If we ended up with twins, we would figure out a way to handle it! :-)

The transfer itself was really cool. I was completely awake and Brian was able to go back in the procedure room with the doctor and the embryologist. The doctor explained to us what was happening and we were able to see her transfer the blastocysts. (It looked like two dashes of white on the ultrasound screen.)

Our two sweet little blastocysts, one of which is now a little fetus! I think they look more like Brian. (Isn't it amazing that each one contains the complete DNA for an entire human being?)

And then we waited. With nothing to do.

That is the hardest part. Until the two week wait, we were actively doing something every day (injections, phone calls, appointments, etc.)

But, for two weeks, there is nothing to do except analyze every twinge in your body. Compounding this, the trigger shot that induces ovulation contains a synthetic version of the human pregnancy hormone (HCG), so you can't even obsessively take home pregnancy tests with accurate results.

Friends, all I did was read message boards and then I couldn't take it anymore, I took a pregnancy test at 4 days past my transfer (4DP5DT). It was positive! But was it real? So, I took another pregnancy test (many times multiple tests on the same day) for the next 7 days. And then I started consulting pharmacological sites to detect the half life of my trigger shot. I created a spreadsheet to calculate the half life!!  

Every single pregnancy test was positive. OMG! But there's always that fear that it isn't real and or will be a chemical pregnancy or a very early miscarriage. 

Fifteen days after our egg retrieval (on my sister's birthday), I had my blood test at the doctor. And then another test 48 hours later. All positive with increasing HCG.

We've also had ultrasounds at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, and 9.5 weeks. At each ultrasound, we saw the baby (just 1!) and saw/heard the heartbeat! At 9.5 weeks, the baby was kicking up a storm. It was pretty amazing.

So, that's where we stand now...just a few days short of 12 weeks. I've had nearly constant nausea, lots of exhaustion, and plenty of other annoying symptoms, but all-in-all it has been a pretty good first trimester. We are incredibly grateful and excited to see what the next six months bring!

The dog is very excited about the baby. The kitties hate everything.