Choices, Aggravations and Dents In The Wall

I think the hardest part of this whole process has been the reactions I have when I find out other people are having kids.  Even if I don't know them well (Facebook friends or what have you), it's still a punch in the gut, and when it's someone I do know well it's that much more difficult to take.

That's why it's noteworthy that I found out today that a couple friends of mine are expecting their third child, and I didn't immediately feel jealousy, anger, frustration and all those familiar emotions that have been showing up almost on a schedule for the last year and a half.

We've spent a lot of time talking about our options, whether we wanted to just remain childless and enjoy our lives without kids (spoiler alert: no thanks, although the allure of taking vacations whenever and wherever we want sure is appealing), adoption, surrogacy, you name it.  At times the decisions can seem overwhelming - one minute you're all but picking up the phone and calling a doctor, the next you put the phone down and get questions ready for an adoption agency, and then you find out that someone else is having a baby and you're just sitting there thinking "for heaven's sake, make it stop!!"

So, what to do?  Everyone who knows the situation will offer their own advice, but at the end of the day the reason I didn't feel upset at all earlier today is a simple one: we finally made a decision on what we wanted to do, we followed through on it, and for the first time in what seems like forever, there's hope at the end of the road.

Everything you read says that you shouldn't delay in getting help conceiving if you decide that's what you want to do.  Much as we might want it to, time doesn't wait for anyone to get pregnant, and the odds only get higher with age.  That's not to say that anyone should go running to a fertility clinic after a month of trying to conceive, but intuition is a powerful thing.  We knew that something was wrong, and we started from there.

In my case, stupid as this sounds, I couldn't grow a beard.  You know those people who can grow a five o'clock shadow by about 11:30 in the morning?  I'm whatever the opposite of that is.  I knew that wasn't normal, and it was always in the back of my head that there was probably a hormonal imbalance, but it wasn't until my doctor ran some tests to confirm that the puzzle started to fit together: without testosterone, it's tough to grow a beard, and it's also tough to produce sperm, which is a slightly important step in having children.

So I finally got on medication to help boost the testosterone, which worked about as well as anyone could have hoped, and......nothing.  Still no babies.  Still everyone I know getting pregnant every time someone sneezed.

If you know of a wall, chances are I had banged my head against it more than a few times.

But then we finally made up our mind, wading through the seemingly endless menu of choices, that we were going to go to a fertility specialist (more on this later).  That was going to be our plan, darn it.  We were going to do everything we could to have a baby, and whether that came naturally or with help, we were committed to it.

Making that decision took the weight of the world off my shoulders.  Finally, we have a road map that gets us to where we want to go.  It's still no guarantee - in reproduction, very little is - but we're more confident than we ever have been that it really is only a matter of time, one way or another.

The moral of the story?  Decide what you're going to do, and follow through on it.  Don't let yourself become paralyzed by analysis.  The longer you wait, the more that knife in your stomach will turn every time someone tells you they're pregnant.  It's not worth waiting - as soon as you're confident in your decision, run with it, and stick to it.

Maybe then you can fix all the dents in that wall.

And now we wait...

B had a doctor's visit this morning and we're waiting for the results. We're hopeful (but cautious!) that the numbers will have improved. After we get the results, we're planning to set an appointment with a fertility clinic.

Waiting isn't easy. I keep thinking through how I'll react to various scenarios. I want to pretend that if it's not great news, that I'll be OK, but I doubt it. I'm sure I'll be a mess and hate everyone. Ugh.

If it's great news, then it was be really exciting, but also make us wonder what steps we need to take...

So, not much to say. We have no idea when the doctor will call with the results. Hopefully we won't have to wait too long.

Doctor's Report

Last week, B went back to his endocrinologist. The report was quite positive. His testosterone numbers are all within the normal ranges and have remained stable since his last check in the spring. The doctor was really pleased with the progress. He also ordered another sperm analysis and the doctor printed out the results from the one done in February. The numbers in February really weren't great at all. They are all quite low, which we knew but it's always tough to see it on paper.

The new analysis will be done in the next few weeks and the hope (and prayers!) is that the normal testosterone levels will kick start sperm production. I'm not really expecting a miracle (but I'd certainly take it). After we get the results for the next analysis (fortunately, the doctor will call with those and B doesn't have to back for an appointment), then we are expecting to set up an appointment with a fertility clinic.

We are so fortunate to live in an amazing location with AT LEAST 3 fertility clinics (that's what I've found so far!) and one of them appears to be one of the best in the world:

Our IVF (InVitro Fertilization) Program is host to four board-certified reproductive endocrinologist and infertility specialists (of which there are less than 1,000 nationwide), highly experienced embryologists and laboratory support staff, specially trained nurses, and the most advanced technology available.

I also read that the head of that program writes THE textbook on IVF, so I'm really hoping that we can set up an appointment with (and afford!) them.

One of my goals for August is to talk with our insurance company about our coverage and get an appointment set up. I know we have lifetime coverage limits of $25,000 for each of us, but I really want to understand what all that means because reproductive technologies are so expensive. Based on numbers thrown around on the Internet, it seems like we could blow through those amounts in a 3-4 cycles of treatment. But, of course, everyone's insurance is completely different. The good news is that with all the endocrinologist appointments and lab work, we've already hit our deductible for the year, so we're only paying 20 percent of any services/prescriptions until December 31.

Personally, I'd really like for us to be able to go with IUI because it's *slightly* more natural (OK, not really, but it seems like it), but if that's not possible, we certainly don't want to spend a ton of money something with a lot lower chances.

I know that the clinics will push us to go with IVF because they make a lot of money off that procedure, so it will be really interesting to see what they say. I fully plan to arrive with a notebook and a ton of questions! (My mom keeps joking that we're probably going to end up with triplets.)