Choices, Aggravations and Dents In The Wall

I think the hardest part of this whole process has been the reactions I have when I find out other people are having kids.  Even if I don't know them well (Facebook friends or what have you), it's still a punch in the gut, and when it's someone I do know well it's that much more difficult to take.

That's why it's noteworthy that I found out today that a couple friends of mine are expecting their third child, and I didn't immediately feel jealousy, anger, frustration and all those familiar emotions that have been showing up almost on a schedule for the last year and a half.

We've spent a lot of time talking about our options, whether we wanted to just remain childless and enjoy our lives without kids (spoiler alert: no thanks, although the allure of taking vacations whenever and wherever we want sure is appealing), adoption, surrogacy, you name it.  At times the decisions can seem overwhelming - one minute you're all but picking up the phone and calling a doctor, the next you put the phone down and get questions ready for an adoption agency, and then you find out that someone else is having a baby and you're just sitting there thinking "for heaven's sake, make it stop!!"

So, what to do?  Everyone who knows the situation will offer their own advice, but at the end of the day the reason I didn't feel upset at all earlier today is a simple one: we finally made a decision on what we wanted to do, we followed through on it, and for the first time in what seems like forever, there's hope at the end of the road.

Everything you read says that you shouldn't delay in getting help conceiving if you decide that's what you want to do.  Much as we might want it to, time doesn't wait for anyone to get pregnant, and the odds only get higher with age.  That's not to say that anyone should go running to a fertility clinic after a month of trying to conceive, but intuition is a powerful thing.  We knew that something was wrong, and we started from there.

In my case, stupid as this sounds, I couldn't grow a beard.  You know those people who can grow a five o'clock shadow by about 11:30 in the morning?  I'm whatever the opposite of that is.  I knew that wasn't normal, and it was always in the back of my head that there was probably a hormonal imbalance, but it wasn't until my doctor ran some tests to confirm that the puzzle started to fit together: without testosterone, it's tough to grow a beard, and it's also tough to produce sperm, which is a slightly important step in having children.

So I finally got on medication to help boost the testosterone, which worked about as well as anyone could have hoped, and......nothing.  Still no babies.  Still everyone I know getting pregnant every time someone sneezed.

If you know of a wall, chances are I had banged my head against it more than a few times.

But then we finally made up our mind, wading through the seemingly endless menu of choices, that we were going to go to a fertility specialist (more on this later).  That was going to be our plan, darn it.  We were going to do everything we could to have a baby, and whether that came naturally or with help, we were committed to it.

Making that decision took the weight of the world off my shoulders.  Finally, we have a road map that gets us to where we want to go.  It's still no guarantee - in reproduction, very little is - but we're more confident than we ever have been that it really is only a matter of time, one way or another.

The moral of the story?  Decide what you're going to do, and follow through on it.  Don't let yourself become paralyzed by analysis.  The longer you wait, the more that knife in your stomach will turn every time someone tells you they're pregnant.  It's not worth waiting - as soon as you're confident in your decision, run with it, and stick to it.

Maybe then you can fix all the dents in that wall.

And now we wait...

B had a doctor's visit this morning and we're waiting for the results. We're hopeful (but cautious!) that the numbers will have improved. After we get the results, we're planning to set an appointment with a fertility clinic.

Waiting isn't easy. I keep thinking through how I'll react to various scenarios. I want to pretend that if it's not great news, that I'll be OK, but I doubt it. I'm sure I'll be a mess and hate everyone. Ugh.

If it's great news, then it was be really exciting, but also make us wonder what steps we need to take...

So, not much to say. We have no idea when the doctor will call with the results. Hopefully we won't have to wait too long.

Doctor's Report

Last week, B went back to his endocrinologist. The report was quite positive. His testosterone numbers are all within the normal ranges and have remained stable since his last check in the spring. The doctor was really pleased with the progress. He also ordered another sperm analysis and the doctor printed out the results from the one done in February. The numbers in February really weren't great at all. They are all quite low, which we knew but it's always tough to see it on paper.

The new analysis will be done in the next few weeks and the hope (and prayers!) is that the normal testosterone levels will kick start sperm production. I'm not really expecting a miracle (but I'd certainly take it). After we get the results for the next analysis (fortunately, the doctor will call with those and B doesn't have to back for an appointment), then we are expecting to set up an appointment with a fertility clinic.

We are so fortunate to live in an amazing location with AT LEAST 3 fertility clinics (that's what I've found so far!) and one of them appears to be one of the best in the world:

Our IVF (InVitro Fertilization) Program is host to four board-certified reproductive endocrinologist and infertility specialists (of which there are less than 1,000 nationwide), highly experienced embryologists and laboratory support staff, specially trained nurses, and the most advanced technology available.

I also read that the head of that program writes THE textbook on IVF, so I'm really hoping that we can set up an appointment with (and afford!) them.

One of my goals for August is to talk with our insurance company about our coverage and get an appointment set up. I know we have lifetime coverage limits of $25,000 for each of us, but I really want to understand what all that means because reproductive technologies are so expensive. Based on numbers thrown around on the Internet, it seems like we could blow through those amounts in a 3-4 cycles of treatment. But, of course, everyone's insurance is completely different. The good news is that with all the endocrinologist appointments and lab work, we've already hit our deductible for the year, so we're only paying 20 percent of any services/prescriptions until December 31.

Personally, I'd really like for us to be able to go with IUI because it's *slightly* more natural (OK, not really, but it seems like it), but if that's not possible, we certainly don't want to spend a ton of money something with a lot lower chances.

I know that the clinics will push us to go with IVF because they make a lot of money off that procedure, so it will be really interesting to see what they say. I fully plan to arrive with a notebook and a ton of questions! (My mom keeps joking that we're probably going to end up with triplets.)

Friends and Family

One of the most helpful things to us is the amazing support we receive from our friends and family. From our church family praying, our parents offering support that goes well beyond anything we could ask, and our friends, we are truly blessed.

I've really noticed this as one of our closest friends recently told us that they are having a baby. We are (really, truly!) so excited for them! The thing that's meant the most to us is that this couple has gone well out of their way to be so respectful of our emotions and feelings. They announced the news to us privately in a way that gave us privacy to work through our emotions and even went so far as to tell us beforehand when they were going to announce their news to the world via social media. Being prepared for that announcement was so helpful.

They have gone well out of their way to be sensitive and that means so much. We know that it is a sacrifice for them to think of us during their time of incredible excitement. But, because they did, it makes us even more excited for them.

I can't wait for our future children to have them (and their future children!) in their lives because they have set such a wonderful example of friendship, kindness, and compassion.

Frustration

I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge that some days are tougher than others. There's not always a rhyme or a reason why, but sometimes it's just hard. Occasionally, someone mentions something about their baby or you see something online and it sets off a floodgate of emotions.

Yesterday was one of those days. It was one of those days from the second my feet hit the ground when I got out of bed and it was one of those days when I cried most of the way to work. It sucked. I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day. B knew it was one of those days too. He sent me a really sweet e-mail and did his best to make me feel better. It's amazing to have that support.

I was proud of myself though. After my morning meltdown, most of the day at work went pretty normally and I was able to get everything done that I wanted to do after work (vote, mow, cook dinner, and go for a short run). I was really proud of myself of fitting in the run at 9 p.m. It made me feel a lot better.

You just do what you can to get through and know that tomorrow will be a new day.

Today was much better! Thank goodness. :-)

B's doctor didn't have any good recommendations for a reproductive endocrinologist at his appointment Monday, so B is going to ask his actual endocrinologist for a recommendation at his appointment next week. If that doctor doesn't have a recommendation, then we'll just pick one and go from there. We're lucky to live in an area with lots of choices.

Happy With Two

At our meeting with our pastor last Thursday, he really stressed that we focus on medical stuff when it's appropriate, but then when it's not necessary to think about infertility that we focus on being as happy as possible as a couple and really focus on loving each other. Of course, this is easier said than done when the worrying starts, but it's definitely something that we have been striving really hard to do.

On Friday after work, we took our bikes up to one of the local lakes and rode about 13 miles on the greenways there. The rest of this weekend we really focused on eliminating clutter and getting rid of some things we no longer need (an old TV, two DVD players, and 16+ bags of books). I was glad to see it all go. :-) Also, when we do have a child, we'll have to do some rearranging for a nursery and I'd like to have as little clutter to remove as possible. I think we're well on our way! Next weekend I'm planning to tackle a few of the kitchen cabinets that are unruly.

We're also each focusing on other things that we enjoy doing. B is getting back into bike riding (hence Friday's ride). He loves riding his bike, but really hates hills and heat, so it's always good when we can go to a trail that's mostly flat and very shady. I'm also starting to train for a half marathon that I'm going to run in November. I've run for several years, but I always end up in a bit of a funk after a major race (I completed the Shamrock Marathon in March). I'm ready to get started again and I'm really looking forward to having a dedicated training schedule. The time I spend running is always really good for me mentally. I always come home in a better place than when I started. I also do yoga 1-2 times each week, which is so important to me because it allows me to have some time when I'm not focusing on anything but my body and my breathing.

Our pastor told us that he doesn't believe it's God's plan that we do not have children, but that he doesn't necessarily know if it's God's plan that we do have children. :-) So, he stressed, it's really important that we live our lives right now to the fullest. He mentioned that he knows how much love we have in our relationship and he really encouraged us to focus on that because that is where all of the good things in our family will come from.

I also started reading the book Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, which was recommended to me by a friend who also dealt with infertility. It's really good so far and I think it will be really helpful. It parallels stories from Hannah in the Old Testament, who was barren, with the author's own personal stories (she struggled with infertility, had several miscarriages, and several failed adoptions). It provides ideas and suggestions to make the journey a bit more bearable.

Our Story

My husband and I are in our late twenties/early thirties. We have a very lovely house in a wonderful neighborhood in suburbia where we live with our sweet dog, Gatsby, and two cats, Copland and Mozart. At this point, these three "babies" are pretty much our world. It absolutely makes our day to come home from work and have them waiting for us with so much enthusiasm.

We've been married for a little over six years and decided in early 2011 that we really wanted to focus on having a family. We tried with no success for a year and then while my husband was at the doctor for a checkup in February 2012, we learned that he had low testosterone and a very low sperm count (it's important to note, though, that the sperm count isn't zero).

We were pretty crushed and spent several months waiting while my husband took medicine to improve his testosterone levels. There isn't medicine you can take to increase sperm count, but my husband's endocrinologist was hopeful that by increasing the testosterone, it would kickstart sperm production naturally. In April, he returned to the doctor and his testosterone had increased, but they did not do another semen analysis.

Later this week, he'll be returning to our general care provider and his endocrinologist to get more tests done and we're planning to ask our general care provider for a referral out to a fertility specialist.

So, at this point, we're still in a bit of a holding pattern, but both of us are confident that is about to change. We're excited to move forward and see what technology can do for us!

We are also incredibly blessed with an amazing support system. Both sets of parents are amazing and are supportive of what we're going though and the ups and downs. Our siblings are always there to lighten the mood and we have a wonderful group of friends—many of whom live in our neighborhood.

We also attend a Lutheran Church (ELCA) and have an amazing pastor and Bible Study that helps us see how God works through our trials. We have semi-regular meetings with our pastor and our faith helps guide our decisions. We expect that our faith will be especially important as we traverse the murky waters of reproductive technologies and their ethical implications.

So, we have no idea how this will turn out and I think we're slightly nervous to make our journey public, but we both feel strongly that infertility is wrongly stigmatized. (And we're tired of being asked why we don't have kids!)